Chodź, pomaluj mój świat.

Kochasz swoje dzieci! Kochasz swoje dzieci! – mruczałam, z lekka nucąc, pod nosem kiedy w ramach przymusowej integracji rodzinnej zagoniłam dziewczyny do malowania starego biurka w moim gabinecie.

Puszka była jedna. Pędzle dwa. A nas trzy.
Najpierw obraziła się Lady Pampers, że Małolata ma pędzel, a ona nie!
Potem obraziła się Małolata jak ją poprosiłam, żeby poszukała JAKIEGOKOLWIEK pędzla ze szkoły, żeby się tylko Lady Pampers odczepiła.
Potem obraziła się znowu Lady Pampers, bo pędzel, po który z oczami do niebios poszła Małolata, był NIEEEEEE. Pewnie wysoko leżał skoro Małolata oczy do niebios miała. Takie poświęcenie na marne. Bosko! O święta hermenegildo od szkolnych pędzli, trzymaj mnie!

Wysunęłam się spod biurka, gdzie próbowałam ciemny brąz szuflady zamienić na śnieżnobiałą biel. Jedyne co mi się udało, to sprawić, że odrost na łbie nie był już czarny.
Madafaka w dupę mać!
A trzeba było posłuchać Małolaty i kupić nowe biurko.
To nie… jak ten psia jego mać kundel z Psiego Patolu: NIE WYRZUCAJ! WYKORZYSTAJ!

Wytłumaczyłam Lady Pampers, że pędzel, który dostała jest SUUUUUUPER, i że jak ona nie chce, to ja nim będę malowac! Wiecie – taki trzonek, a na nim jeden piczykłak. Kto by nie chciał tym malować mebli!
Okazało się, że Lady Pampers też już chce. Z niemałą ulgą i udawaną niechęcią oddałam piczypędzel Lady Pampers i wsunęłam się znowu pod biurko.
Dwa machnięcia pędzlem później okazało się, że Lady Pampers znudziło się malowanie biurka i stwierdziła, że czarny suczeł też już jest passee.
Na to wszystko rozdarła się Małolata, że suczeła dopiero co na siłę wykąpała i ona nie może tak się często kąpać, bo to alergią grozi. Tak. Suczeła alergią.
Wyczołgałam się po raz drugi spod biurka starając się nie dotknąć znowu łbem pomalowanej górnej szuflady. Udało się. Jedynie z lekka dupą wjechałam w puszkę z farbą, bo Lady Pampers przesunęła ją tak, żeby mieć bliżej do suczeła, kóry się za ową puszką schował, chcąc pozostać czarny jak moje myśli. Puszka bujnięta z lekka moją dupą zachybotała się. Po czym gruchnęła na glebę wylewając z siebie śnieżnobiała biel.
Kiedy próbowałam sobie przypomnieć jaki paragraf zabrania mi bluzgania w obecności dzieci, Małolata stwierdziła, że jej jest niedobrze. Albo od rozlanej farby, albo z głodu. I że ona pójdzie się położyć do swojego pokoju, bo nie może zdrowia swojego narażać na wdychanie ekofarby.
Trochę jej się nie dziwię, bo sama ze sobą już ledwo wytrzymywałam, a tu groziło, że wyjdę z siebie i stanę obok.

Puszka była pusta. Pędzle trzy. Ja jedna.
Szmata, którą rozłożyłam w pokoju, żeby nie pochalapać farbą podłogi cała przesiąkła i zaczęła sączyć białe plamy, na nienajgorsze jeszcze, panele po poprzednich właścicielach.
Udało mi się dorwać w pośpiechu jakieś galoty Lady Pampers i zaczęłam wycierać nimi podłogę.
Jak to skąd w moim gabinecie galoty Lady Pampers?
Jak na gabinet z prawdziwego zdarzenia przystało są w nim odkurzacz, deska do prasowania, karton z płytami Brusa, ubrania Lady Pampers i walizki, których od wrześniowej przeprowadzki jeszcze nie rozpakowaliśmy. Ponadto zlepek szafek od brata, biurko po Małolacie, kanapa od dobrego człowieka z internetuf i krzesło obrotowe po poprzednich włascicielach.
Ale wiadomo: Nie wyrzucaj! Wykorzystaj!

Jak tylko zaczęłam gaciorami Lady Pampers wycierać podłogę z ekofarby, włascicielka onych zaczęłą się znowu drzeć!
To nic, że na co dzień to trzeba ją ganiać po całej chałupie, żeby na dupsko wcisnąć cokolwiek, ale teraz jak ten osrany piczypędzel, tak i te szmaciurskie portki okazały się być najlepsze na świecie!

Wystawiłam osmarkaną Lady Pampers za drzwi, zastanawiając się kiedy kończy się etap wymuszania wszystkiego płaczem i czy go dożyję. Wróciłam do pokoju i starłam co tylko się zetrzeć udało.
Poleciałam potem na korytarz, żeby wytrzeć gile rozpaczy, starając się ze wszystkich sił
nie użyć w tym celu trzymanych w ręku portek w farbie
Próbowałam też wytłumaczyć, że ja Cię dziecko błagam uspokój się, bo inaczej matka zaraz całą farbę wciągnie nosem, żeby ją tylko zamknęli na 5 minut w pokoju bez klamek!

Kiedy tylko Lady Pampers pogodziła się z myślą, że matka bankowo, tak jak Małolacie, zmarnuje życie także jej, poleciałam do łazienki w poszukiwaniu czegokolwiek czym można by było podłogę wytrzeć.
Lady Pampers przykazałam stać i się nie ruszać, jak już tak będzie myślała, że ze starymi to mogła dużo lepiej trafić!
W łazience poza resztką proszku do prania i czterdziestoma litrami mydła nie było nic, co mogłoby zmyć farbę z podłogi.
Finalnie stwierdziłam, że te 3 małe plamki z kapiących portek da się przeżyć. Mam gdzieś chyba jakiś mini dywanik w piwnicy. Nie wyrzucaj! Wykorzystaj!
Obróciłam się do drzwi i zobaczyłam, że Lady Pampers zniknęła z korytarza.
Jedyny dzwięk ,jaki zmroził mi uszy, dochodził z gabinetu i przypominał taplanie się świni pepy w błocku.
Telewizja to zuooooo!!!

Lady Pampers wdepła swoimi małymi, jakże uroczymi, stópiszczami, rozmiar 27 w pozostawione krople farby i skakała w najlepsze po całym gabinecie.
Jak mówiłam Brusowi, że marzy mi się biało-czarny gabinet, że wytarczy tylko te stare meble przemalować… nie wiedziałam, że moje marzenia spełnią się tak szybko!

3 dni później Lady Pampers przemalowała białe plamy na podłodze na różowo, bo „peppa jest pink mamiii, nie łajt!”
Po tym jak poszła mi para uszami chciała się zrehabilitować i pomalowała czarną kanapę na biało.
Obawiam się, że to nie koniec.

Przecież powtarzam: Nie wyrzucaj! Wykorzystaj!

Tak! Nadal chodzi mi o meble 😉


A Wam co się wydawało, że zrobicie podczas kwarantanny ?

Jeżeli podobał Ci się ten tekst i chcesz więcej, zostaw mi swojego maila. Na pewno wtedy nie przegapisz żadnego patolkowego wpisu 🙂


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