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Pamiętacie jak dostałam sms-a, że szanowni Panstwo po gruzik przyjadą między 6 a 7?
No i przyjechali.
Poprzedniego wieczora zasiadłam w kuchni przy zimnej herbacie, gdzieś między „zostaw tę mąkę Lady Pampers, a chuj baw się, posprzątam w następnym wcieleniu!” i zastanawiałam się, jak to jest, że jak wpadają nocne akcje Lady Pampers, albo poranne zrywy wywozu gruzu, to Brusa nigdy nie ma.


On jest wtedy kiedy świeci słońce, pies siedzi grzecznie na legowisku i nie rzyga, albo nie sra po kątach, Lady Pampers jest uroczą dziewczynką z blond kitkami, która nie tupie jak jej wyrwać z twarzy nakrętkę od wody mineralnej, a Małolata z 3 razy dziennie schodzi i pyta czy w czymś nie pomóc.
Jak?
Jak to jest możliwe?
Jak ja mu opowiadam jaki rozpiździel potrafi zrobić ta banda oszołomów, to patrzy na mnie jak na psychicznie chorą i ma minę jakbym twierdziła, że właśnie własnoręcznie złożyłam rakietę kosmiczną w salonie.
W sumie bym się nie pogniewała za taką umiejętność.
Mogłabym się wystrzelić w orbitę okołoziemską i tam pokrążyć przez tydzień, dwa lub rok.
Moje pitolenie kończy się najczęściej tym, że on mówi, że on wie, że ja mam czasem męczarnię z dziewczynami, ale, że on z kolei męczy się ze mną… czasem.
To tak jakby remis nie?

Spojrzałam na zegarek, wzięłam kolejne dwa łyki zimnej kawy i otrzepując Lady Pampers z mąki, zarządziłam kapiel. No to to ma po ojcu. Uczulenie na wodę.
Pierwsze dwa lata mogła mieszkać w wannie. A teraz? Jakby ją do wrzątku wsadzali. Darcie papy o złamanie życia i znęcanie się nad dziećmi.
Potrafi zrobić taki a la koci szpagat jak ją wkładam do wanny.
Poważnie.
4 kończyny i każda w inną stronę.
Widzieliście kiedyś dziecko łapiące się palcami od stóp o brzeg wanny?
Niesamowity widok.
W sumie gdyby nie to, że mi kręgosłup wtedy chce pierdolnąć na pół, to może bym jeszcze potrwała w tym zachwycie i zdjęcie na insta walnęła.
Pół włosów mi wyszarpie zanim ją wcisnę do wanny.
A potem jak gdyby nigdy nic plusku plusku.
Czyzis.
Siadam na kiblu obok i patrzę jak „ Mimi lubi wodę”.
Nie gadaj? Zaczynam w telefonie szukać pierwszych oznak schizofrenii u dzieci i myślę, ile jeszcze wytrzymam z genetycznym obciążeniem zawałem, miażdżycą i nerwicą natręctw w gratisie.
Znowu patrzę na zegarek. Dobra. Czas wychodzić bo woda zimna, a matka ma poranne wstawanie do gruziku.
Nieee! Teraz nie!! Teraz to ona się będzie kąpać do rana! Zostaw ją! Nie dotykaj! Znowu zaczepia się kończynami wanny, tylko teraz na pszyssawkę.
Luz! Taka zabawa, że wesołe miasteczko i połykacz ogni to flaki z olejem
– Mamuusiuu – głos Małolaty przerywa piski Lady Pampers i moje błagania przez zęby, żeby się do jasnej świni pepy, odessała od armatury.
– Mamusiu, jak chcesz to ja rano wstanę i otworzę bramę temu gościowi od wywozu gruzu.
Dmuchnęłam w grzywkę i spojrzałam spod upoconego czoła na swoje najstarsze dziecko. Pewnie chodzi o te nowe airmaxy za połowę zasiłku dla bezrobotnych.
-Wstaniesz rano o 6ej i otworzysz Panu bramę?
Spytałam chyba z tą samą miną, co Brus, kiedy mu opowiadam o szaleńczych dniach i nocach z patolątkami.
– No tak! Przecież mówię wyraźnie!
Są takie chwile kiedy się nie dyskutuje z Małolatami i tyle. Zwłaszcza jak wyraźnie mówią. Przecież! Chce, niech wstanie, najwyżej zacznę sąsiadom kury wysadzać, żeby na te airmaxy zarobić.
Perspektywa pospania, dłużej niż do 6ej rano była niesamowicie kusząca.
– Czemu Ty jej nie wyciągasz z wanny?
Odwróciłam się do szamoczącej się ciągle ze mną i próbującej zanurkować Lady Pe.
– Nie wiem dziecko. Pewnie przespałam te trzy godziny szkolenia w dżungli, jak łapać dzikie pumy w wyskoku!
– Dobra! Tak tylko pytam! Matkooo!
Czyli znowu moja wina. Przywykłam. Grunt, że gruzik wywiozą, a Małolata zacznie spłacać powoli dług zaciągnięty za bezpodstawny wynajem mojej macicy na okres 10 najpiękniejszych miesięcy mojego życia.

Tiiiit! Tiiiiit! Tiiiiit!
Leżałam na leżaku nad basenem, ale czułam, że coś lub ktoś pcha mnie w stronę wody.
Tiiiit! Tiiiit! Tiiiit!
Chcąc się ratować złapałam się prawą ręką ręcznika, ale nie przestawałam się przesuwać.
Tiiiiit! Tiiiiit! Tiiiiiit!
Nagle dostałam czymś ciężkim w głowę.
Zrobiło mi się słabo, ale wiedziałam, że muszą natyczmiast ratować siebie, leżak i drinka. Zwłaszcza drinka!
Ale było za późno!
Leżałam cała mokra. Skopana i oszczana przez Lady Pampers. Nadal śpiącą Lady Pampers.
A za oknem rozlegało się miarowe i drążące dziurę w mózgu: Tiiiit! Tiiiiit! Tiiiit!
Ani drinka, ani basenu, ani leżaczka.
Podniosłam swoje świeżo obudzone zwłoki i doczłapałam do okna.
Rzeczywiście. Brama otwarta. Małolata w spodniach od piżamy i w wyjściowym płaszczu. Zamiłowanie do nieoczywistej elegancji ma po matce.

Ledwie kilka minut po szóstej. Czyli mogę wrócić do wyra i spróbować kimnąć.
Odwróciłam się od okna i spojrzałam na iksmena w swojej pościeli.
Kiedy ona zrobiła tego iksa na całe wyro? Jak długo stałam przy oknie?
Położyłam się w nogach łózka układając ciało w znak nieskończoności i zaczęłam odpływać.

I już znowu leżałam na leżaku, kiedy nagle, hotel za mną zaczął się walić.
Jakby ktoś rozpędzoną kulą wyburzeniową trachnął tuż nad moją głową.
Metaliczny skowyt wyrwał mnie na baczność.

To był idealny moment.
Tak musiała pomyśleć Małolata stojąc wtedy przy bramie i machając do pana odjeżdżającego z naszym gruzikiem.
To wprost idealny moment, żeby właśnie tego poranka to zrobić.

To kochani właśnie wtedy był ten idealny moment.
Po roku błagania, proszenia, straszenia, że się wydziedziczy, że się materac jej do kotłowni zniesie, że w okno życia wepchnie, wtedy właśnie tego onego poranka postanowiła Małolata, że to moment, mówiłam już? Idealny, żeby znieść klatkę suczeła z poddasza do piwnicy.
Metalową klatkę.
Wielką, rozwalającą się metalową klatkę, która przez pierwsze miesiące robiła Suczełowi za budę, a przez kolejne lata Małolacie za stolik pod absolutnie kurwa wszystko.
Jakby któremuś z Was Małolat mówił, że ma za mało szaf i że te ubrania na fotelu, krześle, nogach łóżka to na chwilę tylko rzucił, to ja chętnie, totalnie za darmo oddam metalową klatkę.
Otworzyłam drzwi od sypialni!
Chujwieco na głowie stanęło mi pod sufit.
Zaraz za chujwieczym do góry podjechały mi brwi i wkurw.
– Czemu mamo nie spisz? Mówiłam że otworzę bramę, żebyś pospała.
Jasne, bramę! Chyba bramę piekieł!


Więcej historii z Patoświata znajdziesz w ebooku, który można kupić TUTAJ.


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