Sedno sęku

On chciał dobrze, ja chciałam dobrze, a wyszło jak zawsze.
Czułam w kościach, że może nie doceni mojej inwencji odtwórczej i złożenia zamówienia przez internet, miast patrzeć jak sapie i stęka, a potem wymięka.

Pamiętam doskonale, jak ten kontakt co iskrzył od miesiąca, naprawił w końcu wtedy kiedy korki urządziły pokaz fajerwerków i rozdarłam gębę o 4.30 rano, potem on rozdarł gębę na mnie, że ja się drę, a na końcu rozdarła się Lady Pampers, do której zaczyna pomału coraz mocniej docierać co jej się w życiu trafiło, żeby nie powiedzieć przytrafiło 😉
Nauczona więc doświadczeniem i wieloletnią obserwacją Brusa, postanowiłam wyjść naprzeciw jego planom pięcioletnim ZLPP czyli „Zbuduję Lady Pampers Piaskownicę” i zwyczajnie zamówiłam piaskownicę w necie.
Wprawdzie szukałam huśtawki, bo w poprzedniej Lady Pampers utknęła i chcąc, choć bardziej nie chcąc, wyciągałyśmy ją z Małolatą, dusząc się ze śmiechu.
Trochę nam zeszło, bo Lady Pampers utknęła na amen.
Wszystko jej utknęło.
I nóżki, i brzuszek.
Nie pomagało wcale, że się szarpała, ani, że nas szarpało od środka od powstrzymywanego brechta.
A kiedy wieczór nas zastał w ogródku postanowiłyśmy wspólnie z Małolatą, że jednak ciut, ale tylko ciut za zimno, żeby Lady Pampers nocowała na dworzu i odcięłyśmy ją razem ze sznurami.
Potem tylko wystarczyło położyć huśtawkę z Lady Pampers na glebie i wysuwać małe ciałko ze śmiertelnej pułapki.
Teraz, z perspektywy czasu, myślę, że jednak wskazanie maksymalnej wagi na opakowaniu, miało znaczenie.

Więc jak już znalazłam huśtawkę i okazało się, że jak domówię piaskownicę to dostawa będzie gratis, i to w 2 dni, to sami rozumiecie, że ja naprawdę nie miałam się nad czym zastanawiać.
Dwie pieczenie na jednym ogródku. A, że sezon grillowy w pełni to pełnia szczęścia.
A jaka piękna niespodzianka!
„Brus hanej zobacz jaka jestem zdolna. Samodzielnie klinęłam 2 razy enter i oto tutaj to cudo, żebyś się męczyć nie musiał i udowadniać przez następne 5 lat, że potrafisz zbudować drzewo, zasadzić dom i spłodzić piaskownicę.
Oszczędzę sobie, Tobie i naszym dzieciom i sąsiadom tego widoku.
– Co to jest?- tak mnie przywitał w progu
– Piaskownica! Żebyś się hanej nie musiał męczyć i miał więcej czasu na relaks po pracy i tylko ją musisz złożyć. Taka niespodzianka ode mnie dla Ciebie!
– Zamówiłaś piaskownicę? Niespodzianka?! Czyli, że tępy jestem i bym sobie nie poradził? To chciałaś mi przekazać??
Dziewczyny! Nigdy przenigdy! Ja wiem, że korci. O jeżu kolczasty jak korci, jak kłuje w jęzor, szczypie w podniebienie. Ja wiem, ale nawet nie próbujcie iść w tą stronę, że on trafił!
– Zwariowałeś? Wolę po prostu, żebyś usiadł w ogródku, nalał sobie drineczka i się relaksował! Wyobraź to sobie. Wracasz z pracy. Siadasz. Dupka rozciągnięta na leżaczku
– Nie mamy leżaczka. Leżaczek mogłaś mi kupić, a nie piaskownicę!
Ja wiem, że korci!
– Na kocyku się rozkładasz, drineczek w łapkę, fajeczka w drugą łapkę. Słuchasz jak sąsiadowi znowu auto nie odpala. Nic nie musisz. Hajlajf hanej. No chyba, że wolisz sam zbudować piaskownicę, to tę odeślę. Żaden problem! Skoro nie dasz rady jej złożyć!
– Dobra, no już zostaw! Co będziesz odsyłać jak już jest. Śrubki są do tego, aha , ok! Dobra! Jutro złożę.

Jak on się nasapał przy tej piaskownicy.
Jak on się nastękał.
A jak namarudził!
Deski chujowe
Śrubki do dupy.
Zawiasy to gówno.
Powiem Wam tak.
Rodzice oboje w budowlance całe życie i ja się na remontach wychowałam.
Od 15 lat w branży budowlanej siedzę po kotwy.
Z niejednego worka jadłam gruz, ale żeby se śrubkę w dupkę i srać zawiasami to pierwsze słyszę.
O chujowych deskach nawet nie wspomnę, bo sęk w tym, że nawet sobie nie chcę wyobrażać jak wyglądają owoce takiego drzewa.

Nagle usiadł.
Pacnał na glebę i zaczął piaskownicę od dołu lustrować.
Wstał. Cmoknął. Obszedł jeszcze raz.
Spojrzałam znad gazety. W życiu jej nie złoży. Coś zaraz wymyśli, że on to by o niebo lepszą zrobił i dziecko się będzie do pełnoletności w piasku rozsypanym na worku na śmieci bawić.
– Muszę ją wzmocnić od dołu! Ależ chujowa ta piaskownica.
Powtarzam! Ja wiem, że korci.
– No widzisz, i tak muszę wykorzystać te deski co je przywiozłem i to od dołu podbić, bo inaczej pękną jak się usiądzie. Zobacz jak się gną pode mną
O Święta Gazetto od darmowych próbek, trzymaj mnie!
– Wiesz, ja w ogóle to myślałem, że ja tak te dechy to wkopię głębiej, to dzieciaki będą miały więcej frajdy. Jak dziurę głęboką będą chciały wykopać to bez problemu.

Spojrzałam na dechy. 10 cm szerokie, 50 cm wysokie. Nie chciałam mu odbierać euforii, która w końcu zagościłą na twarzy, po kilkugodzinnym składaniu mojej wielokrotnie przełożonej i jakże chujowej piaskownicy.
Gdyby kiedykolwiek jakikolwiek językoznawca chciał podać idealny przykład do stopnia najwyższego od chujowy, to bankowo byłby to przykład „najchujowsza piaskownica ever”.
Podniosłam się z leżaczka, bo fakt, że Brus w końcu przemówił do mnie, to taka nieśmiała próba zaproszenia mnie do zajęcia stanowiska w w/w sprawie.
– Taki szalunek chcesz hanej zrobić?
– Nie, deski po prostu wkopać, żeby się dzieciaki głębiej mogły wkopać
Zacisnęłam palce u stóp tak mocno w trawniku, że perz zwiał, gdzie pieprz rośnie.
No tak. Co ja tam wiem o głębokich wykopach? Szacunek, a nie szalunek idiotko! 😉
– Kurcze, to kupa roboty Brus, chce Ci się taki głęboki rów kopać?
Pytanie pozornie nieznaczące, ale jak dla mnie, osobiście wielowymiarowe, wszak obiecał mi już nie raz, że żywcem mnie zakopie, więc czujność każe mi gotowość jego do prac fizycznych, raz na jakiś czas, sprawdzać.
– Jak głęboki? 10 centymetrów to głęboko?
Znów zacisnęłam stopy na trawie, żeby tylko jakiejś durnoty nie pierdyknać.
– Jak 10 centymetrów? Moment… to ty chcesz te deski tak poziomo wkopać? – Myślałam, że pionowo, na 50 centymetrów
– No coś TY????

„No Coś ty!?”
Ja jak słyszę takie pytanie, nieważne z czyjej gęby, to mam odruch przywalenia w tę gębę.
Bo w sumie, na taką partykułę, to tylko przemoc.
Budzi się we mnie wtedy duch, ewidentnie mojego praprapraprapra dziadka Gilotyna, który kiedyś powiedział w biurze patentowym, że ma projekt maszyny, która ścina ludziom łby. I on też wtedy usłyszał „NO CoŚ Ty?!”
I to była ostatnia rzecz jaką ta gęba powiedziała.
Teraz czasy mamy trochę mniej rewolucyjne. Ewentualnie w ramach manifestacji swoich poglądów mogę sobie pierdyknąć ramkę na profilowym na fb „Zabijam wzrokiem za NO COŚ TY!”
Ale tyle z mojej rewolucji.

Jak słyszę pytanie „No coś Ty”, to ulatuje ze mnie reszta człowieczeństwa wystawianego na próbę przez ostatnie 40 lat mojego życia. Ulatuje jak dżin z dzbana i to wcale nie taki dobry dźin co spełnia trzy życzenia, jakby go potrzeć, bo ja się robię niedotykalska wtedy, napieprzam przedramionami jak nunczako i wydaję z siebie odgłosy foki, u której zdiagnozowano ostatnie stadium wścieklizny.

Finalnie, ani szacunku, ani szalunku.
„Bo po co to kopać, jak deszcz zaraz spadnie i zaleje?” – to usłyszałam.
Susza w kraju, ale przyjdzie taka jedna chmura i na tę naszą piaskownicę będzie pluła aż ją zatopi.
Z 3 dni i 3 noce będzie pluła. Czyli mniej więcej tyle, ile Brus składał piaskownicę.
A wystarczyło przeczytać instrukcję.
A właściwie drugi jej punkt.

Do złożenia piaskownicy potrzebne są:
Wkrętarka
Chęci do pracy

Wkrętarkę oczywiście, że mieliśmy.

Ilustracja: Dominika Bałdyga


A u Was jakie ostatnio pracę montażowe miały miejsce? 😉

Jeżeli podobał Ci się ten tekst i chcesz więcej, zostaw mi swojego maila. Na pewno wtedy nie przegapisz żadnego patolkowego wpisu 🙂


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