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Pozornie proste zadanie, taka bułka z masłem, w ciągu dwóch godzin zamieniło się w ciężkostrawnego pączka z adwokatem: takim od spraw o mordestwo, pozbawienie praw rodzicielskich i rozwodów z orzekanie o winie.
Zaczęło się niewinnie od tego, że pozwoliłam sobie zniknąć w łazience na całe pięć minut. Samolubna sucz. Cała ja! Pięć minut na szczanie, sranie, kąpanie, ogolenie pach i nóg, umycie włosów. Wiem, wiem, trwonię czas na bzdety. Wysrać i wyszczać to mogłam się później. Na przykład po weselnym rosole.
Zamiast kąpania i mycia włosów ojebać się cała suchym szamponem. Otrząsnąć się potem jak pies z błota i iść. Golenie podobno też już jest passe. Full natural w modzie, a ja, jak zwykle, jakaś staromodna jestem. Pod prysznicem nadal nucę melodie z „Zakazanych piosenek”.
Nauczona doświadczeniem innych „wspólnych szykowań” łyknęłam dwie tablety positivum, popiłam drinkiem z neospazminy i ruszyłam ku nowej przygodzie!
Jak tylko zamknęłam drzwi od łazienki i wzięłam głęboki oddech zatytułowany „nareszcie sama”, do drzwi zaczęła napierdalać małą tłustą łapką Lady Pampers:
– Maaammmaaa! Maaammmaa! Maaaaaaaaaaama!!!!!!!!!
– Lady Pampers, mamusia siusia, zostaw ją w spokoju – szepnęła czule Małolata.
Jednak Brus uznał, że przekroczyła swoje kompetencje:
– Zostaw ją, niech wali aż jej się znudzi, nie mów jej, co ma robić!
– Chciałam tylko, żeby mama miała trochę spokoju!!
– No przecież się zamknęła w łazience, to ma spokój!!!
– Ale Lady Pampers wali w drzwi to przeszkadza!!!!
– Powali, powali i przestanie!!!!!!
– Dooooobraaa, żeby tylko potem nie było, jak się mama wkurzy, że nie próbowałam!!!!!
– Maaaaamaaaa! Mmaaaammaaa!!!!!
– Zostaw moją szczotkę, Lady Pampers!!!!!!
– Przecież ci jej nie zje!!!!!
– Ale może zniszczyć! Oddaaawaaaj!!!!!
– Aaa-aaa-aaaaaaaaaa!!! Maaa-mmmaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!

Za drzwiami od łazienki byłam ja. Ta zrelaksowana. Oddychałam tak głęboko, że ręczniki wachlowały jak prześcieradła na wietrze. Siedziałam na kiblu i zaciskałam z całych sił ręce na rolce papieru toaletowego, czekając, aż tabsy zaczną działać. Zaciskałam też zęby, żeby nie wykurwić z pełnej pety, co ja myślę o takim relaksie.
Do Brusa i tak się nie odzywałam. Wczorajsze wspólne 6 godzin w aucie zostało zakończone małym nieporozumieniem. Ja strzepywałam z siebie wszystko, co przez czterysta kilometrów nakruszyła na mnie Lady Pampers, a w podzięce za profesjonalną opiekę usłyszałam, że pewnie wytrzepuję łupież z bobra. Tak więc ostatnie 12 godzin upłynęło nam w ciszy i koniecznej wymianie dwóch zdań.
Nucąc pod nosem coraz głośniej „Już nie ma dzikich plaż, na których zbierałam bursztyny”, weszłam do wanny i przy dźwiękach „A mewyyy óseeemkiii…”
– MAAAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAA!!!
„…kreśliłyyy…”
– MAAAAAAAAAAMMMMAAAA!!
„…kreśliłyyy, kreeeśliiiłyyy”, dokonałam szybkiego prysznica, uznając, że najpierw uspokoję Lady Pampers i zajmę się sobą za chwilę. Za chwilę…
O 15:30…
O PIĘT-NAS-TEJ TRZY-DZIEŚ-CI stałam w przedpokoju w samych gaciach i rajstopach. Patrzyłam na rozpaczliwy grymas twarzy malujący się na twarzy Małolata i słuchałam jej płaczliwego tonu, że te włosy co ja jej zakręciłam…
– To miały być faaaale, a nie loooki!
Patrzyłam też, jak Lady Pampers w białych rajstopach i balowej kiecce robi za mopa do podłogi, na którą chwilę wcześniej wylała się Brusowi cola.
Zerknęłam kątem oka za odsłonięte okno, za którym to swoim kątem oka zerkał na babę z cycami na wierzchu, czyli na mnie, przechodzień.
Było mi baardzo wszystko jedno. Nikt mnie tu nie zna. Najwyżej dziadek Pana Młodego, u którego się zatrzymaliśmy, będzie miał nowy szacun na dzielni.
Albo współczucie.
Słuchałam, jak Brus pyta, czy założyć ma czerwony krawat w kropki, czy bordowy w groszki…
– Mamo?… Mamoo, wszystko w porządku?
Pierwsza zorientowała się Małolata.
– Jak chcesz Mamusiu, to Cię szybko umaluję.
Brus też przystanął.
– Kochanie, już Ci przynoszę sukienkę!
Nawet Lady Pampers przestała napierdalać ciałkiem po panelach, wysunęła się spod ławy i popatrzyła na mnie. Pozwoliłam sobie nic nie powiedzieć. Nałożyłam w ciszy stanik i sukienkę przyniesioną przez Brusa. Wystawiłam twarz do Małolaty, która już czekała z pędzlami i cieniami. Wzięłam głęboki oddech.
Uśmiechnęłam się do siebie w myślach. Wystarczyło się nie dać wyprowadzić z równowagi. Można bez krzyku? Można!
– Mamoo, a możesz się tak nie marszczyć? Nie mogę Cię pomalować, bo masz tyle zmarszczek…
Otworzyłam oczy i spojrzałam Małolacie baaardzo głęboko w jej ślepka.
– Jesuuu, przepraszam! Po prostu nigdy nie widziałam tylu zmarszczek z bliska…
Pięć minut później siedzieliśmy w samochodzie.
Ja, moja jedna nieogolona noga, moje pół pomalowanej twarzy i dwie kolejne połknięte tabletki na uspokojenie. Brus i jego czerwony krawat w kropki, nad którym błądził, z ledwością powstrzymywany, jego głupkowaty wyraz twarzy. Małolata i jej loki, które miały być falami, nieutulona w swym nastoletnim cierpieniu, które urosło do rangi niemożliwego do wytrzymania, bo jeszcze buty nagle zaczęły cisnąć.
Krępującą ciszę przeciął słodki głosik Lady Pampers:
– Fu! Fu! Fuuuuuuu!
Tej Lady Pampers, która uznała, że właśnie teraz wydarza się idealny moment, żeby się zesrać po trzydniowym zatwardzeniu.
Ahuj, przygodo!
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Her şeyi elde edebilirsin. Ama aynı anda değil! – Oprah Winfrey
Öğrenmeye devam eden herkes genç kalır. Henry Ford
Kararlarınıza bağlı kalın, ancak yaklaşımınızda esnek kalın. Tony Robbins
Can paramparça ve eIIerim, keIepçede, tütünsüz, uykusuz kaIdım, terk etmedi sevdan beni…
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Görmezden gelin, ses etmeyin, cevap vermeyin. Sessizlik herkesi mahveder.
Acı su da, tatlı su da berraktır. Sakın görünüşe aldanma… Görünüşte herkes insandır ama gerçek insan hal ehli olandır.
Adalet var mı? dedim. „Külü var lazım olursa” dedi. „Külü ne yapacağım?” diye sorduğumda „yandığını kanıtlarsın” dedi.
Güven bir ayna gibidir. Bir kez çatladı mı çizik gösterir.
En iyisi, sevinmeyi öğrenelim; böylece başkalarına acı vermeyi ve acıları düşünmeyi unuturuz. -Friedrich Nietzsche
Zor sınavlar güçlü insanlar yetiştirir.
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Nerede olursanız olun, elinizdekilerle yapabileceklerinizi yapın. -Alex Morrison
Sakın unutma, ellerin cebindeyken başarı merdivenlerini çıkamazsın.
Sonra diyorum ki, bu aşkı içime düşürenin şüphesiz bir bildiği vardır.
Sıradan öğretmen anIatır,iyi öğretmen açıkIar,yetenekIi öğretmen yapar ve gösterir,büyük öğretmen esin kaynağı oIur.
Aklını Başına Al Da, Fanî Olan Bu Dünya Zindanında Kimseden Vefa Arama! Bu Dünyanın Vefası Bile Vefasızdır
Gecenin karanlığında, güneşin ışığında, suyun damlasında, selin coşkusunda, kimi yanımdasın kimi rüyamda, ama hep aklımdasın sakın unutma.
Bir katre olma, kendini deniz haline getir.
Bu aralar öyle şanssızım ki hani ağzımla kuş tutsam kuş ağzıma sıçar.
İntikam ve aşkta, kadın insandan daha barbardır. Friedrich Nietzsche
Bari hayvan olarak mükemmel olsaydın. Fakat hayvan olmak için masum olmak gerekir. -Friedrich Nietzsche
Nankör insan, her şeyin fiyatını bilen fakat hiçbir şeyin değerini bilmeyen kimsedir. – Oscar Wilde
Herkes cennete gitmek ister ama kimse ölmek istemez.
Ne kadar bilirsen bil, anlatabildiklerin, karşındakinin anlayabileceği kadardır.
Üflesen yıkılır hayallerimiz varmış meğer; titremesin diye nefes almaktan bile korktuğumuz.
Bana kalsa gökyüzündeki tüm yıldızlar yerine bütün insanlara .Senin gözlerinde ışıldayan bir çift yıldızı gönderirdim.
İnsan beyni değirmen taşına benzer. İçine yeni bir şeyler atmazsanız, kendi kendini öğütür durur. -İbn-i Haldun
“Her insan, yapmadığı tüm iyiliklerden suçludur.” – Voltaire
Sen ne kadar kalsan da geliyorsun benimle. Ben ne kadar gitsem de kalıyorum seninle. – Shakespeare
Hani dilimizin ucuna gelip de söyleyemediklerimiz var ya; Allah o sözlerin yolunu açık etsin.
Aşk Hafta beş Lira ile geçinemez. – Somerset Maugham
Sen beni kaybetmeyi göze aldıysan ben seni silmekten şeref duyarım.
Her kalpte bir mezarlık vardır.
Dost, acı söyleyen değil, acıyı tatlı söyleyebilendir.
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“Paranla şeref kazanma, şerefinle para kazan ki; paran bittiğinde, şerefin de bitmesin.” – Nicanor Parra
Ölümden ne korkarsın, korkma ebedi varsın.
Birisi güzel bir söz söylüyorsa bu, dinleyenin dinlemesinden, anlamasından ileri gelir.
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