Milczenie jest złotem, a cisza gówno daje.

Ilustracja: Dominika Bałdyga, insta: @tusipetki

Był konkurs?
Był!
Był plakat?
Był!
A skąd te nogi, po co na co i czemu tylko jedna goła, a druga jak golonka?Żadne tam feministyczne akcje, żadna wolność słowa i włosa.
Ot. Zwykły dzień, choć niezwykły 😉
Czytajcie!

Ślub był o szesnastej.
Spojrzałam na zegarek. Ledwie wkroczyliśmy w godzinę trzynastą. Kościół 2 minuty drogi od nas. Ubrania wyprasowane i przygotowane. ICH ubrania wyprasowane, bo ja od dziesięciu lat gustuję w niegniotliwych szmatach składających się w 200% z poliesteru i domieszki gumy arabskiej, żeby każdą fałdę dało się ucisnąć. Dupa zapocona, ale jaka oszczędność czasu!
Ogarnęłam raz jeszcze wszystko wzrokiem. W sumie, nie powinno być problemu. W sumie, to mogłam wtedy z rozpędu przyjebać w aluminiowe drzwi od klatki schodowej. Efekt byłby ten sam – ból, krzyk i żądza mordu.

Pozornie proste zadanie, taka bułka z masłem, w  ciągu dwóch godzin zamieniło się w ciężkostrawnego pączka z adwokatem: takim od spraw o mordestwo, pozbawienie praw rodzicielskich i rozwodów z orzekanie o winie.

Zaczęło się niewinnie od tego, że pozwoliłam sobie zniknąć w łazience na całe pięć minut. Samolubna sucz. Cała ja! Pięć minut na szczanie, sranie, kąpanie, ogolenie pach i nóg, umycie włosów. Wiem, wiem, trwonię czas na bzdety. Wysrać i wyszczać to mogłam się później. Na przykład po weselnym rosole.
Zamiast kąpania i mycia włosów ojebać się cała suchym szamponem. Otrząsnąć się potem jak pies z błota i iść. Golenie podobno też już jest passe. Full natural w modzie, a ja, jak zwykle, jakaś staromodna jestem. Pod prysznicem nadal nucę melodie z „Zakazanych piosenek”.
Nauczona doświadczeniem innych „wspólnych szykowań” łyknęłam dwie tablety positivum, popiłam drinkiem z neospazminy i ruszyłam ku nowej przygodzie!

Jak tylko zamknęłam drzwi od łazienki i wzięłam głęboki oddech zatytułowany „nareszcie sama”, do drzwi zaczęła napierdalać małą tłustą łapką Lady Pampers:
– Maaammmaaa! Maaammmaa! Maaaaaaaaaaama!!!!!!!!!
– Lady Pampers, mamusia siusia, zostaw ją w spokoju – szepnęła czule Małolata.
Jednak Brus uznał, że przekroczyła swoje kompetencje:
– Zostaw ją, niech wali aż jej się znudzi, nie mów jej, co ma robić!
– Chciałam tylko, żeby mama miała trochę spokoju!!
– No przecież się zamknęła w łazience, to ma spokój!!!
– Ale Lady Pampers wali w drzwi to przeszkadza!!!!
– Powali, powali i przestanie!!!!!!
– Dooooobraaa, żeby tylko potem nie było, jak się mama wkurzy, że nie próbowałam!!!!!
– Maaaaamaaaa! Mmaaaammaaa!!!!!
– Zostaw moją szczotkę, Lady Pampers!!!!!!
– Przecież ci jej nie zje!!!!!
– Ale może zniszczyć! Oddaaawaaaj!!!!!
– Aaa-aaa-aaaaaaaaaa!!! Maaa-mmmaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!

Za drzwiami od łazienki byłam ja. Ta zrelaksowana. Oddychałam tak głęboko, że ręczniki wachlowały jak prześcieradła na wietrze. Siedziałam na kiblu i zaciskałam z całych sił ręce na rolce papieru toaletowego, czekając, aż tabsy zaczną działać. Zaciskałam też zęby, żeby nie wykurwić z pełnej pety, co ja myślę o takim relaksie.
Do Brusa i tak się nie odzywałam. Wczorajsze wspólne 6 godzin w aucie zostało zakończone małym nieporozumieniem. Ja strzepywałam z siebie wszystko, co przez czterysta kilometrów nakruszyła na mnie Lady Pampers, a w podzięce za profesjonalną opiekę usłyszałam, że pewnie wytrzepuję łupież z bobra. Tak więc ostatnie 12 godzin upłynęło nam w ciszy i koniecznej wymianie dwóch zdań.

Nucąc pod nosem coraz głośniej „Już nie ma dzikich plaż, na których zbierałam bursztyny”, weszłam do wanny i przy dźwiękach „A mewyyy óseeemkiii…”
– MAAAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAA!!!
„…kreśliłyyy…”
– MAAAAAAAAAAMMMMAAAA!!
„…kreśliłyyy, kreeeśliiiłyyy”, dokonałam szybkiego prysznica, uznając, że najpierw uspokoję Lady Pampers i zajmę się sobą za chwilę. Za chwilę…

O 15:30…
O PIĘT-NAS-TEJ TRZY-DZIEŚ-CI stałam w przedpokoju w samych gaciach i rajstopach. Patrzyłam na rozpaczliwy grymas twarzy malujący się na twarzy Małolata i słuchałam jej płaczliwego tonu, że te włosy co ja jej zakręciłam…
– To miały być faaaale, a nie loooki!
Patrzyłam też, jak Lady Pampers w białych rajstopach i balowej kiecce robi za mopa do podłogi, na którą chwilę wcześniej wylała się Brusowi cola.
Zerknęłam kątem oka za odsłonięte okno, za którym to swoim kątem oka zerkał na babę z cycami na wierzchu, czyli na mnie, przechodzień.
Było mi baardzo wszystko jedno. Nikt mnie tu nie zna. Najwyżej dziadek Pana Młodego, u którego się zatrzymaliśmy, będzie miał nowy szacun na dzielni.
Albo współczucie.
Słuchałam, jak Brus pyta, czy założyć ma czerwony krawat w kropki, czy bordowy w groszki…
– Mamo?… Mamoo, wszystko w porządku?
Pierwsza zorientowała się Małolata.
– Jak chcesz Mamusiu, to Cię szybko umaluję.
Brus też przystanął.
– Kochanie, już Ci przynoszę sukienkę!
Nawet Lady Pampers przestała napierdalać ciałkiem po panelach, wysunęła się spod ławy i popatrzyła na mnie. Pozwoliłam sobie nic nie powiedzieć. Nałożyłam w ciszy stanik i sukienkę przyniesioną przez Brusa. Wystawiłam twarz do Małolaty, która już czekała z pędzlami i cieniami. Wzięłam głęboki oddech.
Uśmiechnęłam się do siebie w myślach. Wystarczyło się nie dać wyprowadzić z równowagi. Można bez krzyku? Można!
– Mamoo, a możesz się tak nie marszczyć? Nie mogę Cię pomalować, bo masz tyle zmarszczek…
Otworzyłam oczy i spojrzałam Małolacie baaardzo głęboko w jej ślepka.
– Jesuuu, przepraszam! Po prostu nigdy nie widziałam tylu zmarszczek z bliska…

Pięć minut później siedzieliśmy w samochodzie.
Ja, moja jedna nieogolona noga, moje pół pomalowanej twarzy i dwie kolejne połknięte tabletki na uspokojenie. Brus i jego czerwony krawat w kropki, nad którym błądził, z ledwością powstrzymywany, jego głupkowaty wyraz twarzy. Małolata i jej loki, które miały być falami, nieutulona w swym nastoletnim cierpieniu, które urosło do rangi niemożliwego do wytrzymania, bo jeszcze buty nagle zaczęły cisnąć.
Krępującą ciszę przeciął słodki głosik Lady Pampers:
– Fu! Fu! Fuuuuuuu!
Tej Lady Pampers, która uznała, że właśnie teraz wydarza się idealny moment, żeby się zesrać po trzydniowym zatwardzeniu.

Ahuj, przygodo!


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