Sam se pogrzeb

Ilustracja: Dominka Bałdyga, instagram: @tusi_petki

Ostatnio zadałam Wam pytanie, używając tytułu jednego z rozdziałów mojego e-booka, czyli CO CIĄŻY KOBIECIE W CIĄŻY?
Na Waszą reakcję nie trzeba było długo czekać 😁

Pojawiły się senności, bezsenności, opuchlizna mdłości i rzyganie przez samo żet i eR-zet odmieniane.
A slyszeliscie o ciażowej tępocie umysłowej?
Zdarzało się Wam zapomnieć o czymś ważnym?
Zakupach, spotkaniach albo …
No właśnie!
Wiecie o czym ja zapomniałam?

Dziś na blogu ląduje jeden z tekstów e-booka „PATOLOGIA. Antologia Matki Polki Patolki”.


Na swoją obronę mam tylko jedno: było w chuj gorąco i w ciąży byłam. Ale że „ciąża to nie choroba”, jak mnie poinformował uprzejmie kolega z pracy (bo pewnie nieraz był, to wie, o czym mówi), to skoncentrujmy się na tym, że było w chuj gorąco.

Nigdy nie miałam ciepłej relacji z pierwszą teściową, ale zorganizować pogrzeb na 4 dni przed moim porodem!? To tylko ona mi mogła zrobić taki numer.

Czy poszłam? No pewnie, że poszłam! A właściwie doturlałam się.

Kryste panie! Całą ciążę dresy, koszulki, sukienki z ciuchbudy. Pogrzeb! Jasna dupa!

Kto mierzył sukienkę, nazwijmy ją dyplomatycznie „wyjściową”, w 39 tygodniu ciąży, ręka w górę!

Generalnie, jak już ją na siebie wciągnęłam i zobaczyłam, że w rozmiarze XXXXXXXXXXXXL przestały mi się szwy rozchodzić po bokach, to wysapałam Brusowi, że ja w niej zostaję do dnia następnego; że nie ma takiej fizycznej możliwości, żebym ja ją z siebie teraz ściągnęła, stękając i dysząc, a jutro znowu stękając i dysząc się w nią wbiła. Dopiero Pani ekspedientka przekonała mnie, że: „wyskakuj grubasie, trza to wbić na kasie!”

Lato było piękne tego roku… Uwielbiałam te szybkie prysznice w ciąży.

Yhhhyyhh – jedna noga w wannie…

Yhhhhyyyhhy – druga noga w wannie. Potem stoisz 5 minut i łapiesz oddech.

Yhhyhyhhyyy – schylasz się po płyn do kąpieli.

Yhy…yh…yh…yh…yh – namydlasz się. Woda leci delikatnie – obmywa twoje ciałko…

Napisałam ciałko? Sorry – cielsko! Do dziś spłacamy niedopłatę za wodę.

Potem tylko raz-dwa… 30 minut i wyszłam z wanny. Wzułam na siebie tę nieszczęsną kieckę. Dowaliłam złoty łańcuch, żeby odwrócić uwagę od brzucha. Zrobiłam sobie twarz i ruszyłyśmy z Małolatą.

Ja mam zawsze mieszane uczucia jeśli idzie o pogrzeby, bo z jednej strony smutek i żal, a z drugiej jaka radość, że możesz zobaczyć rodzinę z Elbląga! Po 10 latach!! Taka emocjonalna schizofrenia.

W kościele było przyjemnie. Cicho i chłodno. Usiadłam w ławce, bo już ledwo stałam. I wtedy to poczułam.

Zimny chłód ławki.

Na dupie.

Ale proszę państwa!! Nie na byle jakiej dupie!Na GOŁEJ DUPIE!!!!

Przez tą całą aferę z myciem i ubieraniem pieprzonej kiecki zapomniałam założyć gaci. Dostałam takiego ataku śmiechu, że musiałam schować twarz w chusteczki i symulować ryk, płacz i ciemną rozpacz…

Przy ołtarzu: pierwszy mąż, jego druga żona, pierwszy teść no i pierwsza teściowa spokojnie spoczywająca na wiecznym łożu.

W piątej ławce JA! Z gołą dupą!

Wycofałam się szybko do toalety, żeby sprawdzić, czy mi szwy nie puszczają i czy mi dupy gołej nie widać.

Teraz wyimaginujcie to sobie: gruba, ruda baba w 39. tygodniu ciąży, w granatowej kiecce, ze złotym łańcuchem dyndającym na szyi, stojąca w kościelnej toalecie, tyłem do lustra, z wypiętą dupą i patrząca czy jej nic nie widać!

W tle słychać: „Anielski ooorszaaak niech twom duszem przyyyjmieem…”

Pogrzebałam właśnie chyba ostatnią na to szansę.

Oto ja – patologia w pełnej krasie.

A najlepsze jest to, że teściowej to by się ta historia na bank spodobała. Chichrałybyśmy się obie, jak głupie! Ja bym się poszczała, a ona by umarła ze śmiechu.

O pardą!


Więcej przygód, nie tylko ciążowych, w ebooku, który można kupić TUTAJ.


.

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