Sezon na kiszonki

Sezon na owoce i warzywka z przydomowych ogródków, balkonów, straganów trwa w najlepsze. Najbardziej wytrwali dniami i nocami nie śpią i podpierając się nosami wkładają w słoiki arcydzieła sztuki kulinarnej. Potem tylko chyc do piwniczek, spiżarek, pawlaczy i można czekać na zimę. Gorzej, jak taki wytwór domowej twórczości opuści próg domu. Nie życzę nikomu


Nie wiedziałam zupełnie, co mam ze sobą zrobić.
Stałam między lodówą z mrożonkami, a promocją kawy i kakałka.
Ucieczkę w stronę warzyw blokowała mi kobieta z wózkiem ustawionym w poprzek, o który oparła się i czytała namiętnie informacje z papieru toaletowego.
Co tam może być kurwa napisane? Skład srajtaśmy? Data ważności? Kobieto! Dupę se tym podcierasz! To nie sok z brzozy na krótki termin.
Została mi jedna jedyna droga.
Zawzięłam się cała w sobie.
Zamknęłam oczy i wszystkie pory w skórze.
Teraz albo nigdy!
Czułam, jak żołądek przekręca mi się na bok i próbuje zwymiotować do wewnątrz.
Nozdrza wciągnęły bawełnę maseczki tak mocno, że myślałam, że mi guma na uszach pęknie.
Już wiem, jaką będę miała ksywę: Plastuś! Te małżowiny już nigdy nie wrócą na swoje miejsce. Zacznę się czesać w warkocze chyba, albo na noc zakładać spinacze biurowe na uszy. Wystarczy połączyć gumą z gaci i może nie będę obcym ludziom po twarzy strzelać z ucha.
Ooo z takimi uszami, jadąc na rowerze, to jak nic następnym razem utrącę lusterko mijającego mnie autobusu! I wtedy zobaczymy, kim bardziej bujnie cieciu!
Szurałam adidaskami tak szybko, jak tylko się dało po uwalonej w resztkach warzyw sklepowej posadzce. Nie ma to jak zrobią promocje na zielone w sklepie. Wpadnie taka trzoda chlewna i tymi ryjami i kopytami grzebie w tym, potem depcze po tym, żeby na końcu zeżreć tylko połowę, i to tę mniejszą, a drugą połowę wywalić do śmieci.

Z lekka zachybotało mna koło jogurtów, kiedy zapachy garmażerki i dań gotowych, zmieszały się w jedno wielkie To-Fu!
Oczy zaszły mi mgłą, kolana z lekka ugięły, ale wiedziałam, że nie mogę się poddać. W domu czekały na mnie dzieci. Ale moment… Brus! A gdzie jest Brus? Nigdy go nie ma, jak jest potrzebny. Żeby teraz ramię podać, albo dociągnąć do celu. Nie! Przylezie z naręczem czipsów jak ja już będę leżeć w liściach sałaty, a z gęby mi się będzie sączyć piana. To jeszcze ostentacyjnie kroka da nade mną, uda że nie zna, spojrzy z obrzydzeniem i przelezie okrakiem, i się nie przyzna, bo mu każą ze sklepu wytargać na własny koszt, a on ma ręce przecież zajęte.

Jeszcze 2 metry, metr, pół… Jest!

Dopadłam półkę z płynami do płukania tkanin. Szybko odkręciłam pierwszą lepszą nakrętkę. Zsunęłam maseczkę i zaciągnęłam się kwiecistą łąką, albo innym gównem w lesie. Bosze! Nic nigdy nie pachniało tak cudnie. Po chwili okazało się, ze odkręciłam płyn do mycia kibla, ale to nie było ważne. Najważniejsze było to, że udało mi się uciec. Stałam oparta o regał z chemią i łapałam tlen! A nigdy nie wierzyłam, jak w 7ej klasie podstawówki matka mi mówiła: zobaczysz chemia ci się kiedyś przyda! Kto by pomyślał, że się przyda? Ba! Życie ocali.
Nozdrza poruszyły się z lekka przerażone. Hesusmaryja, wraca! On gdzieś tu jest! Człowiek Kiszona Pacha!
Szybki quiz! Jak długo dorosły mężczyzna może nosić przepoconą koszulkę? No kochani?? Ja tez nie wiem, ale ten gościu szedł na rekord. Ona miała spokojnie z 3 dni i myślę, że mógł się w niej jeszcze spokojnie kimnąć. Zaleciało też jakby w sobotę grilla zaliczył, albo ryby.. ale wolałam się nie wczuwać.
To jest do wujawafla publiczne miejsce! Tu ludzie starsi z niewydolnością krążeniową i oddechową przychodzą. Tu są ludzie z małymi dzie… Jakieś niemowlę rozdarło się w okolicy kas. A to tam teraz szarżuje. Pewnie przeciska się, ocierając o ludzi, do działu z alkoholem.
Co mi przeszkadzało w tej kwarantannie?
No co?
W domu siedziałam. Brus na zakupy jeździł. O niego się inni ocierali. Jemu chuchali w kark i chujami rzucali w kolejce. Co mnie tknęło, żeby poprosić, żeby mnie zabrał ze sobą? Bo co? Bo ileż można siedzieć z dziewczynami w domu? Dzieci mi zbrzydły? Co ja bym dała za osraną teraz po szyję Lady Pampers. Albo chociaż nerwowy sik suczeła na panelach.
Umrę tu! Umrę i nikt mnie nie rozpozna, tak mi twarz wykrzywi od tego smrodu. A może by tak go jakoś tu zwabić i mu niby niechcący do koszyczka wrzucić mydło w płynie? Zaniesie do domu. Może nie od razu zgadnie, do czego to służy. Może najpierw wypije, ale to wiecie. Taka kuracja od wewnątrz na pewno mu nie zaszkodzi. Jak mu się cofnie mydlinami, to sobie od razu koszulkę przepierze.
Śmignął mi gdzieś między olejem, a czipsami.
Czipsami????
Tam jest Brus!!!!
Chłopa mi zadusi! Współkredytobiorcę uśmierci w męczarniach!
– Bruuuus – szepnęłam najgłośniej, jak się dało. Odpowiedziała mi cisza i brzęczenie jarzeniówki. Gdzieś jakby w oddali, w innym świecie słychać było miarowe pikanie kas i coraz cichszy płacz niemowlęcia. Wszystkich nas pozabija!
– Bruuuuuus!
Nie, żeby od razu miłość, ale on tylko teraz pracuje, a rachunki za tydzień załomocą do drzwi.
– Bruuuuuus – głos mi się załamał, a łzy naszły do oczu.
Nie mogę się teraz rozkleić! Wytarłam twarz, ale łzy nie przestawały lecieć mi po policzkach. To było silniejsze ode mnie. Oczywiście że to było silniejsze ode mnie. Kiszona Pacha stał za mną i patrzył na płyny do mycia szyb. Czyli zna czasownik „Myć”. Miło kurwa. A jakby tak dorwać jeden i go prysnąć w tę przepoconą koszulkę i czerwony ryj. O firmowa koszulka. Z tych lepsiejszych. Pewnie zanim przybrała kolor żółtej drachy, to była kiedyś biała. To pewnie jak z tym dezodorantem na tydzień. Ludzie myślą, że jak oddychająca bawełna to sama weźmie wdech i wydech, i smród w cudowny sposób uleci.
Nie nie nie – gościu nie!
Nie żartuj!
Zaczął podnosić rękę tuż obok mojej twarzy i sięgać po kostki do kibla.
– BRUUUUUUUS – wydarłam się na pół sklepu, bo to jedyne, co mi przyszło mi do głowy. Dobra. Do głowy mi przyszła jeszcze „kurwa”, ale ona by mi nic tu nie pomogła.
Kiszona Pacha gotowy pomyśleć, że znudziło mi się składanie długopisów i pracy szukam.
Facet zamarł w bezruchu i popatrzył na mnie totalnym wytrzeczczem.
Co się patrzysz? Co się patrzysz? Wolę być czystym debilem niż Kiszoną Pachą.
Jeżu w ananasach! Przecież on jechał polem namiotowym w Ciechocinku, turnus 1978. Sierpień. Dwa tygodnie po awarii sanitariatów.
Odwróciłam się spoconą ze strachu dupą i pobiegłam szukać Brusa. On mnie tu przywlókł, on mnie stąd wyprowadzi. Z zakupami czy bez. Koło nosa mi to lata. Ja potrzebuję tlenu!
Dopadłam Brusa, który budował właśnie w koszyku osobistą piramidę z czipsów. W dupie mam opieprzanie go, co to za gówno i dlaczego umrze szybciej niż ja, i na dodatek trumny dla niego nie znajdę w normalnym rozmiarze i będę musiała, jak w samolocie, za nadwyżkę kilogramów dopłacać. Spalać go nie będę, bo jak pójdzie kominem zapach tych wszystkich czipsów to ludzie pomyślą, ze prezydent paprykarzowa urządził dni morza 2 miesiące wcześniej.
– Co ty masz taką minę? Promocja na podpaski jest ?
– A tak w ogóle… Czujesz??? Strasznie coś dziś jebie w sklepie. Nigdy tak nie waliło. To chyba te rozdeptane warzywa – tłumaczył rozglądając się po podłodze.
Spoko niuniuś. To nie knajpa z czterema gwiazdkami miszelina. Raczej się nie spodziewałam, że jak mnie z domu zabierzesz to od razu na romantyczną kolację przy świecach. Ale są jakieś limity wytrzymałości we wspólnej miłości.
– Brus, ja zaraz zemdleję!
– Coo? Ktoś Cię znowu rozpoznał, a Ty z odrostem na głowie? A mówiłem Ci: „Szykuj się. Wychodzimy!”
Jebne mu! Pod bokiem mu jeb… jebie jakby szambo wyjebało!
Nie ma czasu na pierdolamento. Kierunek kasa, zanim Kiszona Pacha będzie chciał się znowu poprzytulać między sklepowymi półkami. Aż dziw, że zapałki nie dostały samozapłonu.
Pociągnęłam koszyk w stronę wyjścia i dałam Brusowi sygnał do odwrotu.
On wie, że jak ja zaczynam brwiami tańczyć tango milonga, a oczami robić foty panoramiczne, to nie ma miejsca na dyskusje. 25 lat znajomości robi swoje.
25 lat…
Ustawiłam się w kolejce za łysym jegomościem i rozglądałam się nerwowo, gdzie też polazła Kiszona Pacha. Brus z miną 3 latka, któremu ktoś wyrwał z dzioba czekoladkę łaził obrażony po sklepie i dokładał do stosu. No tak. On się dopiero rozkręcał przy czipsach, a ja go brutalnie wyrwałam z raju. Sorry niuniuś. Ja mam dzieci do wychowania i kredyty do spłacenia. Gównażeria mnie wkurza, ale nie na tyle, żebym ją z długami na 4 pokolenia zostawiła. Moje ubezpieczenie nie przewiduje śmierci przez uduszenie cudzym smrodem.
I kiedy tak Brus sobie łaził z fochem na buziuni, a ja rozglądałam to w prawo, to w lewo to Kiszona Pacha postanowił zaatakować ponownie.
O świenta naiwności. Jeśli myślicie, że jak za Wami stoi ludzi tłum to jesteście bezpieczni, to jesteście moi drodzy w błędzie, żeby nie powiedzieć w czarnej dupie, bo to obecnie źle widziane.
Okazało się, że Kiszona Pacha i Łysy Jegomość przede mną to kumple, co się sto lat nie czuli, tfuu nie widzieli. I dalejże rozmawiać co tam u kogo, kto gdzie pracuje. Nie no Kiszona Pacha to biznesmen pierwsza kasa! Yyy klasa! Pół Paprykarzowa ma w garści. Pewnie tak samo, jak te zakupy, co mu się z rąk wysuwały. W sumie szczęście niepojęte, bo dzięki temu pachy zwarte trzymał.
Stałam na wdechu i liczyłam łepki tulipanów smutnie zwiędnietę za panią kasjerką. Jeszcze chwila, jeszcze momencik.
Pitu sritu. Śmierdu śmierdu…
O matko ręce mi zaraz odpadną jakie te zakupy ciężkie – Kiszona Pacha zaczął odrywać śmierdzące nadgarstki od śmierdzącego brzucha. Stój szalony! Żadnego tsunami jak ja już drzwi automatyczne widzę zapraszające do lepszego świata w miarowy „ołpen end szat, ołpen end szat!”
– To chodź połż zakupy za moimi!
No tego to już kurwa dawno nie grali.
Ja wiem, że mi się schudło, ale do niewidzialności to mi z 60 kilo nadal brakuje. No dobra… 63.
Spoko kurwa Łysy. Przecież to Twoja prywatna taśma szczęścia i właśnie wykonałeś telefon do przyjaciela uroczo zachęcając go do wspólnej zabawy. Mi to już wtedy żadne koło ratunkowe nie pomoże. Co najwyżej butla z tlenem!
Kiszona Pacha rzucił bezczelnym okiem w moją stronę:
– Pani tu jakaś stoi!
Jeju jeju jeju! Przepraszam, że stanęłam. Nie no to „Pani tu jakaś stoi” tonem wypchnięte z kaprawych usteczek, jakby pawia miał na mnie puścić. Co gościu się stało? Mdli? Niemożliwe? A może powinnam zapytać „jak się czujesz?”, bo ja na ten przykład Ciebie czuję, aż nadto. Zresztą patrząc na twarze wokół, nie tylko ja. Nagle odkryłam tajemnicę zwiędnietych tulipanów na kasie. Końcówki dam se uciąć, że jak wchodziliśmy stały na baczność. Łysy jegomość albo Ci wisi w chuj szmalu, albo ma brak czucia w nozdrzach od lat, jak nic od dnia, kiedy cię poznał.
Szurnęłam koszykiem do przodu, bo kolejka szurnęła również. Kiszona Pacha z miną srającego kota na puszczy i z charakterystycznym dla tego zapachem udał się ostentacyjnie śmierdzieć na koniec kolejki.
Ale przecież nie po to on nie brał koszyka, nie po to się nie mył od kilku dni, żeby teraz pachy miał razem trzymać i pozostać niezauważony lub niepoczuty
– Niechże Pani zadzwoni po kogoś. Ile można stać w kolejce??
Ooo Kiszona Pacha i Złamany Chuj w jednym. Ja to się pod szczęśliwą gwiazdą musiałam urodzić.
Brus wrócił z ostatnich łowów dopychając koszyk prażynkami.
Po sklepie rozległ się ostry dźwięk dzwonka wzywający do natychmiastowego stawienia się na posterunku, bo przecież Kiszona Pacha nie może czekać. Ręce mu zaraz odpadną. Gwiazdor z mituwisi przyjechał na gościnne występy do sklepiku w Wypizdziejwie Małym. Czy ta Pani słyszała, jaki to on biżneszmen jest?? No chyba nie słyszała.
Niechże Pani dłużej ten guzik przytrzyma!!! Czego się Pani boi???

– Skarbie, nie – usłyszałam już jak przez mgłę, żeby nie powiedzieć, przez opary absurdu, błagalny szept Brusa
– Niechże Pan się odpierdoli i pójdzie do domu umyć. Czego się Pan boi?? Mydła????

Tak Wam opowiadam tylko, gdyby ktoś pytał czemu moje zdjęcie wisi w witrynie sklepu na Wypiżdziejewie Małym, z napisem „Miejscowi Bohaterzy”.
Jak się mocno przyjrzycie, to tuż za moimi łokciami jest Brus. Bardzo mocno je trzyma.


Kto miał szczęście trafić na takie kiszonki? 😉

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